


An Unfortunate State of Mind

by gwenyn_bright



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Unrequited Love, Unwanted Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwenyn_bright/pseuds/gwenyn_bright
Summary: Bertholdt is in love with Annie but he doesn't want to be.A short drabble from Bertholdt and Annie's point of views.
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	An Unfortunate State of Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclaimer: Not mine, did it for fun, English is not my first language, etc.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you enjoy the story, I love reading what part of the fic you liked best and how it made you feel :'D. Thanks in advance for reading this!

He doesn't know he's dreaming, of course, but maybe he should have known because everything is fuzzy, undefined. Maybe he should have known because the situation is so unlikely to happen for real, he should have come to that conclusion naturally, or at the very least found it suspicious. Maybe he should have known because for once they fit together perfectly. He is not too tall for her, and she is not too small for him, and that should have been a dead giveaway if nothing else, but the thought never crosses his mind. 

Her face is close to his for what feels like an eternity, and then they are kissing for no reason at all. It's soft and warm and wet. His stomach is tied into a knot of nervousness but it's surprisingly enjoyable. 

Then they writhe against each other and it becomes too much and he wakes up startled and breathless. The room is dark and filled with a cacophony of snores and deep breaths and sleepy sighs from thirty other cadets.

He presses his thighs together, embarrassed at his own physiological condition, and covers his face (boiling hot) with his pillow. His mind is torn, because what wouldn't he give to fall back asleep and continue where the dream left off but also… what wouldn't he give to make these dreams stop altogether.

He knows attraction is caused by chemical reaction in the brain —the Marleyan military had made great efforts to desensitize them to romance as children so they could be clinical and pragmatic about it when it actually hit them in their teens. No point in having a bunch of teens believing there was some magical, unique connection between them when it could be explained and rationalized.

Adrenaline is what produces the butterflies in his stomach and heightens the effects of even the slightest bodily contact. Dopamine is the reason he feels light and inexplicably energetic at the very sight of her. Serotonin is the reason she keeps appearing in his mind day and night unprompted, unwanted, unavoidably so.

He eventually manages to fall asleep again and this time it’s the nightmares that come. When morning dawns, his whole body hurts from twisting itself at weird angles and he feels exhausted as well as guilty. He doesn't know which one is better and which one is worse, but at least with the nightmares he doesn't have to get her involved.

Because his dreams are seeping into reality, and every time he sees her, he remembers how it feels (kissing her) and fears she will notice his awkwardness. 

She doesn't notice. She hardly ever looks at him, especially after Reiner insists on not associating with each other in the presence of Paradisians.

He's grateful for her indifference. It hurts sometimes, because he longs to be a little closer to her. Just a bit. To listen to her voice and see her blue, blue eyes, and maybe even have their hands brush by accident when walking side by side. But he pushes those feelings and the hurt deep inside, and hopes in his heart of hearts that they fade away soon.

They serve no purpose. He doesn't want them. He is certain  _ she _ would not want them. They are only a hindrance to the mission and to them.

No matter how innocent his own feelings are, the fact still remains that they are but an expression of a much deeper desire he doesn't yet have the courage to entertain. They are the vestige of an instinct to preserve the species as old as humans themselves. It should have been violently beaten out of every Warrior with the death and the cruelty and the 13-year-lifespan but somehow it still lives within him and he hates it.

He talks to her less and less, even when it is just the three of them meeting in the forest at midnight. He lets Reiner speak to her; stops volunteering his opinions; fixes his eyes on the ground until they are back in the training camp.

He hates his feelings, but he doesn't hate her. How could he ever hate her? He wants her to be safe and worries about her well-being daily.

There is not much he can do but observe her from afar, hoping she is not too troubled —because he would not even dare to pretend she could ever be happy in their current situation— and wishing that the unwanted feelings disappear as suddenly as they had appeared.

Maybe then he would be able to talk to her again normally in a way that feels natural and right, and not worry that his heart could burst out of his chest at any given moment.

~*~

She sees how Reiner nudges him toward her, and his reaction: blushing, stuttering, his eyes darting back and forth wildly, not sure where to focus them.

She looks at him with a blank expression, acting like she doesn't know what it is all about because it is so obvious he is making his best effort to make as if everything is fine. They both pretend (but she is much better at it).

He scratches the back of his head, and twiddles his fingers, and averts his gaze, and finally settles on saying nothing because he knows she hates small talk.

There is nothing much she can do or say at this, so she walks away after a quick wave of her hand. Her back is to them, but she knows he follows her with his eyes.

He always looks at her from afar; he is very obvious about it; multiple people had informed her, hoping for an explanation (gossip!) from her and getting nothing but a glare. 

It's obvious he professes a high degree of attachment to her, and not only as comrades. 

Sometimes she finds it annoying and sometimes she can even consider it to be endearing, but mostly she just wishes he wouldn't like her.

She doesn't understand how or why it happened, but she is certain she would never be able to reciprocate those feelings, to him or to anyone else.

She thinks highly of him —or as highly as she can of a person, in any case, which doesn't amount to much in her opinion. She has known him for years, and knows how kind and caring the boy is. Logic would dictate that if that had not sparked anything inside of her by now, with both of them at the height of their teenage years when hormones rage and their prefrontal cortexes have not yet fully developed, then there was no going about it.

She lets it happen because she knows he will not do anything about it. She knows he will not pursue her, and for that she is thankful. There is no doubt in her mind that he is smart enough to realize how that would complicate things for all of them and their mission.

She knows how he wants to say things —not a confession, not that. Just talking in general. Talking more.

That would be fine with her. It's not like she hates him. If anything, he is probably the person closest to her right now. After living together for three years, he and Reiner knew her best —not that this means they know her  _ well _ , given how she cocoons herself. But, the few intimate details that she ever let escape from her soul… it would be those two who are aware of them.

The three Warriors had been dragged through the mud, so there was no helping the vulnerability that came with it. And it has always been him who cared the most about her and about Reiner, while neither of them could ever come close to his level.

She is aware of his affection and infatuation; she doesn’t hate them but still… things would be so much easier if these feelings of his did not exist. She pretends she does not see them, and —in an attempt to show her appreciation, to avoid hurting him— she gives him the courtesy of her indifference. This is her sad, pathetic way of showing him kindness, but she is a sad, pathetic person with the emotional range of a grasshopper. He probably would not expect anything else from her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much, [Yuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuki_Frill) and [Jojo](https://twitter.com/helloxount), for reading this and giving me their feedback and opinions. I appreciate it very much <3


End file.
